GROWNING PAINS AT THE ERC

I have been having some more mountains to climb which have caused great pain and anxiety—almost as much as I felt during the first few weeks I was here. I have felt again that the other senior sisters harbor hostility and resentment toward me, which comes out in our conversations, work, etc. we do together, and when not working, an isolation as they gather together to talk while pointedly not inviting me to be there. If I comment or try to be part of the conversations, they either dismiss me or ignore anything I say. This isolation and loneliness has been a source of great unhappiness, and I have began to wonder if I can endure for a whole year in this situation. I have found that because of my anxiety and anger and upset, I haven't been able to sleep for days at a time. It all seemed to come to a head when we all went to have our mission president interviews which come once or twice a year. The three of them went first, and when I took my turn, I was severely chastised for not being a good companion, etc. When I tried to explain what I felt in our relationship, he insisted that the problems must have come from me and that I needed to repent and change. Then he went on to let me know that he still hadn't been able to get through the right channel to confirm my serving one year instead of 23 months. He went on to let me know that I was expected to serve the 23 months and that I was questioning whether my duration was prayed about by the Brethren. I was in shock, as I thought the issue was long settled. I reminded him of our first conversation and that, even when I applied online to become a missionary I had actually been prompted to mark the one year interval. I had prayed about serving one year and felt supported in this by the Spirit and by how he responded when I told him. At that moment, the thought of serving for 23 months under the current circumstances, was almost unthinkable. Knowing that I need some alone time to walk in environment (if not in the mountains), I had gotten permission to do that at the Spring Preserve and local parks. But he went on to chastise me for not always being with my companion (who had no desire to walk with me), and said that he thought all the missionaries were supposed to stay together. I said that I had been told by several people, including one in the senior mission office in Salt Lake that the rules were much less strict for the senior missionaries, so he said he would check to see what the rules really were for senior missionaries. By that time I was completely devastated and went back to the center in a fog. I felt like I was totally out of favor with the Lord and I might as well be done with it. I prayed about it, and , though I had received a witness that I was supposed to be here I wasn't sure I could even do one year under these circumstances. At this time, Keith was going through a lot of opposition and the elders told me that his baptism had been postponed. I have never felt so low—everything difficult I could imagine was simply crushing me. Could I stay with people who resented me 24/7? Stay in this situation for 23 months? Never get to walk again and commune privately with God for that time? I knew I couldn't, and I was becoming angry that I would be compelled to do these things if I stayed or go home in shame if I couldn't. I felt that because there were three witnesses against me and the President's chastisement, that I needed to repent and do what he told me to do—have an “inventory” with my compantion. When we got home that evening, I went to her in humility and asked her forgiveness for offending her and told her I wanted to spend more time together and have our compantionship study. I was in tears and felt that I needed to change some things, but the response was a harsh unloving half hour lecture—for my own good-- about the things I needed to change. As I reflected upon it, most of what she said was simply personal choice of activities and thoughts and no cause for repentence. Things like taking my vitamins, my “routine” breakfast, walking, etc. were not evil, but were an irritant to her. She was trying in a sincere but bullying way to have me become like her. I went to bed very sad and convinced that I would be coming home in shame. I talked to my friend in Reno about all of this and she was very supportive and offered some ideas. Then, when I was at my lowest ebb, Heavenly Father showed His love and support in a very loving and unique way. I got up really early (without much sleep) and decided to go to the Lone Mountain Park to walk and ponder what I should do. Two weeks earlier, I discovered I had lost my favorite and irreplaceable (I tried to find another) headband that kept my ears warm.. I had scoured the apt and, especially the car to no avail. I had found another I had brought just in case, and I left it on the passenger seat when I got out to walk. I started off to walk without it and felt the cold on my ears. I went back and opened the passenger door to get it, and when I looked into the seat there was my long lost ear cover laying next to the door like it was placed there for me to find! I, of course, had looked for it right there in past days, as I had the rest of the car. I was so profoundly moved by this sign of His love for me (who else would know or care about a beloved headband?). In that moment I felt so much love and support from the Savior warm me all over. This experience helped me have confidence to continue When I came home, the elders called and said that Keith was being baptised after all in the afternoon and could I give the talk on the Holy Ghost? I was filled with joy at this news and ressolved to work all of this through and stay the course I had set. When I told the other senior sisters about the baptism, I was amazed that they had no intention of foregoing their plans of going to a movie to be there. However, although it was a very small gathering, it was full of the Spirit.