Tonight I received an inkling about what Heavenly Father is trying to do with me to help me become more fit for the kingdom and it is nothing I would have thought (except now it is becoming so much clearer).  It is very hard to put in words, I have just a vague understanding yet, but my eyes filled with tears when I began to realize how perfect His plan is.  I'm learning daily how my efforts fit His purposes, but now I am beginning to see how He is trying to transform me into a person who can relate to and love His children.  Of course, I can pray to feel His love for His children, but He wants my heart to grow in my own ability to love (and relate to) others, instead of running away (psychologically and/or physically).  Because of painful experiences from a child, I have avoided closeness, trust, intimacy with other people, and I  have felt very alone--safer than the pain, I guess.  Most people who know me wouldn't guess that this is the case, but I know it and have suffered because of it for years.  The reason this mission is literally "wrenching" me apart is that He is trying to help me come back together whole and healed.  This will be His gift to me, I believe, because I have been willing to do His will, which is so different from my natural inclinations. I didn't think I could describe this--and I know it isn't very clear, even to me, but I feel I will learn more as I submit myself to His will.  These promptings came to me as we were watching the Forgotten Carols, a deep and unique spiritual perspective.  I could literally feel His gentle working with me.  Today was a really difficult morning.  I felt very "apart" from the other people working in the center and very lonely and of little worth.  I also was aware that the terrible weather here meant snow, glorious snow, in the mountains which I was missing.  It was almost as if He deliberately orchestrated this test of my faithfulness--we seldom have such great snow so early, and last year was not too great.  If I was really loving my mission, it would be of no consequence, but it has been a painful experience, mixed with indescribable joy.  Here I am and I can't escape from these difficult relationship issues and my own feelings of estrangement.  I have to learn to deal with it in a Christ-like way and become better and happier in the process, and I have made some progress today, as I came home so much more content and happy than I left, despite the fatigue from the day (and no sleep last night).  I'm sure this makes little sense, but perhaps it will as I learn and become more.