SOME HUMBLING MOMENTS IN THE ERC

 

 

As I might have written before, this mission has been  tutorial in learning to have a more Christ-like attitude, as my weaknesses have come up against various trials.  I have felt the stinging pain of sharp criticism and rebuke, when I have made mistakes, and the subtle discomfort of rejection when I feel  I am not liked or accepted--that my personality is somehow out of sinc with everyone else.  Sometimes it is hard to bear, but then the Spirit enlightens me on what I need to understand and what I need to change about myself.  Before I left, I kind of thought I was an OK person and generally liked by people who knew me.  Since I've been here, I have come to learn of so many parts about me that need repentance.  I was told (without tact, I felt) at various times, that I was selfish and self-centered, impulsive and thoughtless, and something of a liar, and that was just to start!!  However, after I was able to pray and ponder about these things, I saw myself more as Heavenly Father sees me, and could see more about my weaknesses.  I have been very much about myself, my life, my interests, my comforts, etc., and I need to think more of others and put myself last, in the same way the Savior does.  He didn't demean Himself or take on a co-dependent role, but He had at the front of His concern, the needs of all of us.  Without becoming co-dependent to their needs, I have tried harder to be more quiet and listening to everyone with whom I talk, and have subordinated my needs to those of others around me.  I am taking more time and exercising patience in my work (even if I already know what people are telling me and am already doing it "right"), and I am more careful and meticulous.  I guess the most painful realization was when someone called me a liar (I've never been called that--but then, I have never associated with people so direct !).  As I went to bed in tears, I prayed to know what to do, say, etc. (hoping, of course, I would magically be transferred to American Fork, where I could do this same mission without all this "wasted" time and misery).  It came to me very clearly, as He always sends me information, that I am indeed not completely truthful (though maybe not quite the "liar" I felt accused of being!).  I realized that when I was very young, I watched my mother mislead my father about what was true in order to avoid angry words (Dad was always completely straightforward, if sometimes brutally direct).  She considered it an art--kind of "what he doesn't know won't hurt us if he doesn't get angry about it"--and she wasn't worried about the broader problem of dishonesty.  I also realized that, to avoid any kind of confrontation or unpleasantness, I  developed the habit if just leaving the scene of the possible dispute  or cause for tension, as I find those feelings quite unbearable (that "walking on eggshells" feeling I feel so much here).  However, here I can't escape, run away or hide.  So, I have resorted to kind of avoiding the issues, waffling around the problems, and misleading by omission.  Because I am not really good at this, I find myself tripping up.  To give an example, I often find being around the other older sisters difficult and uncomfortable, especially when I drive them, because I feel their displeasure in things I do and usually find myself criticized or reprimanded like a child, though I am mostly the same age.  To avoid this, instead of just saying  " I don't think I want to go ", I will make weak excuses, and, usually,  because I am so tense and anxious, I develop stomach pains, but, by the time I can honestly tell them that I don't feel well, they don't believe me (and that wasn't the real reason anyway).  I went back and thanked them for what they said and let them know that I realized they were right and why.  It was a very good moment for all of us, as I finally actually felt their caring for me and mine for them.  I am trying to be more forthright, but still kind, in my conversation and this is beginning to really help our relationship.  Only Heavenly Father could have known how much I needed exactly this situation to help me repent and change.  As always, He has all of us in mind all the time (the Ultimate Multi-tasker!!).  Sometimes, however, the criticisms to which I cannot become accustomed, are truly unjust. I went to bed, praying for help.  The next morning, it came to me very clearly that I was not the only one being tutored and that this was for everyone's learning and growth.  I was told that I needed to become more like the Savior--the word I heard was "meek".  Meekness is not a particularly popular trait in this world, but I realized that that is just what I need to be.  A meek person, the Spirit made clear, not only does not "answer back", he doesn't even take offense , and is able, through the help of the Spirit (no one can do this without Him), to not even feel hurt or offense, but to feel only love and understanding toward the one giving criticism.  I would really like to be able to give the Savior a "meek" heart for Christmas! 

On Saturday, I had a nice time walking in the Spring Preserve, though with a touch of guilt because I had already made these plans and didn't want to go to the Temple with the other sisters (I love to go to the temple, but wanted to go in the PM after walking--they had already made plans for the PM).  Anyway, in the afternoon, I drove all the sisters to the Bellagio, amid a storm of criticism about my driving (which I ended by simply saying that it was tough enough to drive in the impossible traffic with the sun right in my eyes and be criticized at the same  time).  Anyway, we had a great time looking at the amazing decorations made with real flowers (polar bears made of 10,000 flowers each and a life-sized Santa house made entirely of chocolate and candy, plus thousands of pointsettas) and getting our gelato ice cream (wow).  Then, again with some complaints and back-seat instruction from all, mostly contradictory, we drove south for some distance to the "cactus garden", and it was simply show-stoppingly beautiful!  I have never seen so many lights together of such variety on each cactus plant and all the trees.  We loved it and traced the heavily traveled path with thousands of others to the end, where we went into a chocolate factory (Ethel M).  We saw how the chocolates were made and were given a sample (decadent!).  So, we left with a chocolate bar each, courtesy of Sister Houseman, the only one to bring a purse (who looks for chocolate factory in a cactus garden?)  To add to the fun, I noticed the irony of the blow-up plastic Christmas decorations in the midst of a cactus garden!    Anyway, we had a good time and arrived home around 8PM.  At nine, the two young sister missionaries came in our apartment and told us they couldn't get in theirs, because the key set was faulty (they had told the management about the problem but nothing had been done).  I felt so bady for them and we tried to get hold of someone, finally, successfully.  While talking to them, I asked how their day had been.  They said it was a "good" day, and I asked if they had found someone to teach (they have had very few teaching appointments and none in the last several weeks or I would have gone with them).  They said no, that they had helped someone to move out of their apartment.  I felt instantly humble by their goodness--that "helping someone move" was a  " good day" to them, while I was having "fun" not even trying to be  of service.  Their words and their attitude has continued to replay for me, as I realize I have so much more to learn to be more like the Savior.